rayna7314's Diaryland Diary



A lot has happened since the last post. No jobs, new gigs for harp, and tomorrow is spaghetti supper. Sweetie and I have been together now for ten months, and I really just want him to get his shit together soon and whisk me away. I'm waiting for a ring.

Stupid, I know. But yeah, I am. Two nights ago I was sitting across from him at Red Lobster, and just thinking, "Damnit, hold my hand and tell me you want to be with me forever."

I was falling asleep on the road the other day; I had no money to get a jumper cable because my aunt had taken my debit card from me, which might be the best thing for me now. I've been writing checks to people without the sufficient funds. I'm afraid that checks will bounce.

Don't want that for my credit score in the future, no way. Anyways, back to the falling asleep. I pulled over and just got my lighter, and put the top of the lighter to my skin on my arm three times. That's the lie I keep telling anyone, anyway.

What really happened was this: I was sitting outside school, and I had been depressed (and still am, really badly) for some time, and I felt like getting a dose of reality. This is what I do often. I hurt myself to tell myself later that I cannot do this shit anymore.

It's gonna make for a kickass scar though.

12:49 p.m. - 2006-10-09



Well, I got a callback from a couple of resume's I sent out to people who were hiring. Yesterday I got a call in the middle of class, and it was a guy I had apparantly sent my resume to. I sent out so many that I really didn't remember, so I played along as if he were the only one I contacted.

Called him later and set up an interview for today, which actually was supposed to start in about 15 minutes, but 10 minutes ago he called and asked if I could come at 6 instead. That's fine. So it's at a gym. Receptionist job, yay! Something I like.

When I got home yesterday I told my dad, and he seemed to be more pissed off than anything. He kept squawking about priorities priorities priorities, and how I would totally fail this year and have to go to Lamar. Same thing he says every year.

I think sometimes he just doesn't want me to go to a good conservatory, or to just pass by the skin of my fingers in high school. Just because he did, doesn't mean that the apple falls not far from the tree. I'm the green apple out of all the reds. I've fallen about twenty feet from his so-called tree.

I read an email once, where he was talking to my aunt about me as they always do (part of my paranoia? I think not), and he said that I would only be doing him a favor if I failed.

Boy, what a guilt trip.

I still haven't gotten over that, just because he keeps repeating it so damn much. It's almost as if he WANTS TO SEE ME FAIL AT LIFE LIKE HE DID.

Well, the only thing I'll fail at for him is being the daughter he wants me to be; a low life college drop-out with no future but to work work work.

I'm off to my interview! Wish me luck!

4:42 p.m. - 2006-09-06



So I was about to go to the bakery across the street, when I saw that it was closed. I often find myself being really embarassed when I go somewhere, find out I cannot get in, and promptly have to go back.

Well, I made a healthier choice today. I started to walk past the bakery, acting like it was what I meant to do all along. I ended up going around the block. Yay!

Anyway, Laird is mad at me for whatever reason, which I honestly don't get. We were talking last night, and he told me he loved me. My dad was right in front of me, and I said, "Ditto."

Ok, when I had a boyfriend previously, I told him that I loved him. My aunt looked at me and was like, "You don't know what love is." My dad has tried to give me dating advice about Laird and I, and honestly, I don't really want to hear the talk all over again.

No one can describe love, love. The kind of love that 'you feel, you know you're in love because you feel it.' Well, I have felt it, apparantly, a lot because I say it to a lot of people.

So, when my parents are in earshot, I try to say it softly or just say, "I do too."

It's no offense! I really don't mean it like I am ashamed. I just...when my parents roll their eyes I know they will tell people about my apparant 'puppy love/infatuation' to every one they know.

It just really embarasses me to be confronted about it, and if I stand up for my love, later it would come crashing down and I would be on the single scale once again.

I hate that! I've been lied to about being loved, and I just wished that the 'lover' would have not said it. Face it, I am a girl, and we have so many emotions that it is hard to keep track and notice who is deceiving us.

Women get the shit end of life. Ever notice that? We experience:
-mood swings
-estrogen, which can cause weight gain!
-that thing we call a vagina, we have to clean that so much...gick...
-Boobs. honestly, guys, they hit our faces when we run down stairs. and y'all are so discriminative towards if you are an A-cup or a D-cup.
-Periods, you guys don't have to bleed every month, do ya?
-Pregnant. we carry a life inside us. it's fucking hard. ok?
-We have more consequences when we get raped. We can get pregnant, very very very hurt, STD's out the ass (no pun), and emotional trauma. Guys, you cannot get raped, unless it's by another guy. Every guy who isn't gay likes pussy and tits. You'll get hard and cum just as easily if you had agreed to having sex.
-menopause. this is the time that most men leave women. our body's go through so many changes during this time, that it really makes us distraught. Hot flashes? yeah, not so fun.
-we can get cancer from a VIRUS. HPV (look it up, doofus) can be passed on just as easily by a guy. A MAN CAN HAVE IT AND INFECT A WOMAN, WHO, DEPENDING ON HER BODY MAKEUP, CAN EVENTUALLY GET CERVICAL CANCER FROM IT.

You don't believe me?

Weigh out the facts.
Why is it that when a guy has slept with a lot of women, he gets praised and called a playa, but when a woman does the same thing, or when she has a lot of guys eyeing her, she gets called a whore/slut/skank/etc?

In Africa, women are raped on a fucking HOURLY basis. jesus! You know what some cultures over there do? They shun women on her period, because she is considered 'dirty.' When men rape women, some of them POUR BLEACH IN THE VAGINA. Chemicals are used to dry out the vagina because being 'wet' or lubricated is considered filthy. The chemicals can not only destroy your vagina on contact, they can make it easier for AIDS to be spread. Cuts in the vaginal wall makes it so much easier. And get this; women who are raped, are sometimes banned from their village because they are not 'pure.'


Yeah, guys, I know my shit.
You want to stop AIDS? Start over there. I don't really give a shit if you ruin a certain culture by making rape a heinous crime, but it wouldn't affect the whole culture in itself. Just the right of women to have respect. Men want respect, right?

Well...so do we.

I have a guy that treats me good, but I want all the other guys to know that however you treat your woman, you better treat her with utmost respect. Doesn't matter if she is on a rampage because of her period, or if she seems really bitchy that particular day, you should think about what the fuck she has to deal with in the long run.


1:05 p.m. - 2006-09-03



So I just woke up about twenty minutes ago. I think it might be a bad thing. I got about 16 hours of sleep. More than all the hours combined during the week. My nose ring is a little, no, VERY infected.

Wish I kept the screw in, and actually listened to the piercer, but it looked like a pimple. I had to point it out to people the first week of school. The second week, I came back with a ring in it, and everyone asked me when I got my nose pierced.

That kind of proved to me that no one noticed and just thought it was acne. Which, by the way, I need to start getting into routine with washing my face more. I've also ballooned to a whopping 330, and I really need to work on that.

God, I have so much homework, it's sick. I guess a good thing about a three-day weekend is that I can fuck around the first day, start on the second, and maybe finish a lot on the third. Hopefully that will happen.

But, that's only if Laird will not make it up here. If he does, I might have to push all of the load to one day. Which is fine, but I just don't want him to tell me he cannot come up.

I'll just say, "Oh, well, I guess I will see you up here next weekend."

That should get him. I know that sounds devious and evil, but hey, who cares.

Well, I might as well eat something now.

4:12 p.m. - 2006-09-02



5:31 p.m. - 2006-09-01



Today was tiring. I almost fell asleep during Mr. Boyce. I just couldn't help it. I wish that Laird would come up to see me this weekend. I'm honestly sick of having to constantly drive up there to see him.

I know he has issues to work out and all that, but I just want to know if he really means what he promises me. I just don't really know anymore about if it is a lie or not. I know that most of it is not a lie for sure. I understand that. I just want to know how far he is willing to go for me.

Nine months has passed almost, and I'm tired of spending time and money to see him. I need him to be a gentleman and make effort to see me.

Anyway, my homework schedule is so busy this weekend. It's unbelievable. I want to continue reading Zappa but I need to start reading the others, plus I need to get Capote's In Cold Blood. And I need to work on my magazine excercise.

And all of that is for English.

I have 5 assignments that for the life of me I cannot understand in Pre-Cal, and about three or four in Chemistry.

Plus harp. Ugh!

I honestly think I will die by the end of this semester. I wonder if my dad remembered to see the assistant principal today. Hmmm.

Ok, enough ranting.

4:17 p.m. - 2006-09-01


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